Still, just as the man had granted his request for something other than a hospital gown, a belief had formed in him that any other request would be accepted just as readily.
“...Fine. Show me lots of more impressive things later. I’ll be waiting.”
A bright smile came back at him, exactly as Luca had expected.
“Was ‘I’ll be waiting’ always such a thrilling thing to hear?”
“...Tone down the over-the-top reactions a little.”
“How is this over the top? I’m moved, that’s all.”
“Ugh...”
An attitude that seemed to want Luca to ask for more, to depend on him. Somehow flustered, Luca fiddled with a uniform button for a long while. Wondering whether he’d said something needlessly embarrassing, he was about to put on a show of toughness when...
“...!”
His face went pale in an instant. A gurgling sound came, and with it the sensation of his insides twisting.
“...Ah.”
At the short gasp, the captain lowered his head.
“Luca? Does something hurt?”
Instead of answering, he clamped the arm around the captain’s neck tight. His face was already burning with shame.
Bodily functions were something he’d handled lying in bed, relying on machines. But there was no machine now, and he was being held on this man’s lap.
“I... take me back to the treatment room. Hurry.”
“Why do you look like that? Do you have a fever?”
Worried, the captain moved to press his forehead against Luca’s. In that instant Luca all but screamed it out.
“Hurry! The bathroom, I need the bathroom...!”
Only then did he grasp the situation, and his eyes wavered slightly. But without a trace of panic he got straight to his feet.
Luca prayed the captain would dump him on the treatment room bed and switch on the medical assistant robot. Uselessly, as it turned out. The captain’s steps carried them to the bathroom at the end of the corridor.
“Wait, what are you doing? Take me to the treatment room! The medical robot handles it!”
“The robots are in scheduled maintenance right now. There’s no time, Luca.”
The door opened, and at the sight of the cold tile wall Luca shut his eyes in despair.
“No, don’t... get away from me...!”
Wordlessly, the captain settled him carefully onto the ledge near the toilet and held him steady. Then he wrapped one arm around those trembling shoulders, and with the other carefully drew down the trousers Luca couldn’t manage himself.
“Luca, look at me.”
His voice was no less tender than when they’d been talking in front of the observation window. That tenderness turned to poison instead, staining Luca with shame.
“No, n-no...!”
Tears welled. Once he’d been famous at the Academy for dancing the most beautiful sword dance, and now, legless, he had to relieve himself held up in someone else’s hands.
“This isn’t something to be ashamed of. It’s a sign your body is coming back to life. I’ve got you, so it’s all right.”
The tears pooled in his eyes spilled over. He felt as though even the most private parts of him had been laid bare. His confidence and his self-respect shattered and crumbled at his feet.
“...Nngh, hic...”
“Keep looking at me.”
“I don’t want to... it’s too awful...”
“No. You’re alive. Relieving yourself, hurting, crying, all of it is proof that you’re alive.”
The sobs he’d been holding back finally broke out from between his lips. The misery that arrived along with the act tore the last shreds of his self-respect to pieces. The captain took all of that weeping in silence and held the small body up to the end so it wouldn’t collapse.
When it was over, and while the captain washed him meticulously with water, Luca kept his head down and cried without a sound.
Even after they returned to the treatment room and he was laid back on the bed, Luca pulled the blanket over his head and wouldn’t come out. The captain sat at the head of the bed and quietly patted the shoulder showing above the covers.
“Luca, whatever you show me, whatever you think is your lowest point, it’s fine with me. No, I’d rather have it. I want you to rely on me and use me like that.”
It wasn’t the superiority of being able to do what Luca couldn’t, nor sympathy born of some fierce spirit of service. He simply wanted to know everything about Luca, literally everything. It belonged to the territory of affection, of wanting to be used gladly whenever help was needed.
“Anything hard for you to do alone, like today, I can do all of it for you. It happens to be a pleasure of mine, besides.”
The tearful voice shot back sharply.
“Do you like filthy things? Are you a pervert?”
The captain finally couldn’t hold it in and let out a low laugh.
“Haha, well, I don’t have that particular taste. If you want me to, I’ll try developing one.”
Under the blanket, Luca’s face went red. Moments ago he’d been ashamed enough to want to die. With the man endlessly patting him and telling him it was fine, he was confused enough to wonder whether it really wasn’t worth reacting this strongly to.
“...Fine, I get it, so leave.”
“I’ll stay until you fall asleep.”
“I said get out...”
“Once you’re asleep.”
“You grant every request I make, so why not this one?”
“Because this one is you being stubborn. And watching you be stubborn is a pleasure too.”
“...You’re really strange, you know that?”
“I know. My first officer tells me to rein it in as well.”
“...Then rein it in. If you lose interest in me and stop treating me this well, I won’t hold it against you.”
“I’d hold it against myself. I rearranged my whole schedule to look after you. Don’t take away the one pleasure in my day.”
“Strange. Really strange...”
“Haha.”
Luca muttered on, then went quiet, apparently worn out. The captain called to him carefully.
“Luca, are you asleep?”
At the sound of soft, even breathing, he slowly drew down the blanket pulled over that head. The face that had sniffled over its own humiliation was puffy and swollen. Pitiful and sad to see, and yet somehow cute enough that a small laugh escaped him.
He stroked the broken nail-tips carefully. The touch was far more persistent than when Luca was awake. It clung obsessively, as if to carve every part of Luca into the ridges of his own fingerprints.
The voice that leaked out of him as he watched was a tone lower than usual, too.
“Give me your shame too. Every emotion you’ll ever feel from here on, all of it. You mustn’t show it to anyone else. Understood?”
Through the palm-sized window of the treatment room, the red nebula showed very small. It didn’t all fit into one view, but it was no less beautiful than what they’d seen from the observation window. Even the same sight moves you twice as much when you see it larger and clearer.
“Next time I’ll show you something bigger and more beautiful. So you show me all of yourself, too.”
The hand stroking those broken nails laced their fingers together and gripped, precious. If Luca’s eyes had been open, it was the sort of heavy contact he’d have shoved away, demanding to know what kind of creepy behavior this was. The captain went on gazing at him warmly and didn’t let go.
It was a hand he’d hold for as long as all the years he’d spent searching for Luca. No, several times longer than that.
The treatment room was busier than usual. Kai sat sprawled on the floor, tuning the compact servomotor that went into the prosthetic’s ankle. The captain, beside Luca’s bed, was sorting the tea leaves Ceres had sent over.
Then the automatic door opened and Obel came in with a tired face, carrying a tray of syringes.
“It’s time for the response test... what is everyone doing?”
Kai answered energetically.
“My masterpiece is nearly finished, I’ll have you know! It needs precision tuning until then!”
The captain chimed in as well.
“Ceres said anyone with time to spare should help with the manual labor, so I raised my hand.”
Each of them insisted he was busy, but in Obel’s eyes it was slacking off, no more and no less. He clicked his tongue and tossed a remark at Luca.
“Luca, I’m going to open the nerve ports. There’ll be some pain, so bear with it.”
At the word of a painful treatment, Luca’s shoulders visibly shrank. His pale blue eyes wavered with unease, and then he grabbed the sleeve of the captain’s uniform where he sat beside him. He leaned back, half hiding behind him.
“...Why does that guy only ever do the painful things?”
The low complaint came from behind his back. The captain’s mouth curved like a man who’d stumbled onto an unexpected harvest. He shifted position so Luca could rest his head against him, and held Obel off.
“Obel, let’s do it in ten minutes. Kai has business with Luca first.”
Obel pushed his glasses up and gave him a look of pure exasperation, but at the captain’s firm gaze he turned on his heel.
“Ten minutes.”
The moment the door shut, Luca let out a relieved breath and came away from the captain’s back.
“Thanks.”
“Lucky I was here just now, wasn’t it?”
“...Is that really something to look so smug about?”
“Why not? I’m proud of it. From now on, if Obel gives you trouble, tell him you’ll report him to me. Then maybe he’ll ease up on pushing his glasses into place and talking so coldly.”
