“He doesn’t look like he’ll come this way, right?”
When Kim Juhui whispered, the heads gathered beside her nodded.
“They said he hates drinking gatherings, guess it’s true. Seeing as he won’t even glance this way.”
“He spent a lot of money at the gosa earlier, shouldn’t he at least eat plenty of this stuff so he doesn’t feel too ripped off?”
“Hey. I heard Seon Eunhu’s church started expansion construction last winter. He wouldn’t even bend down to pick up the amount he paid earlier if it were dropped on the road.”
“Really? Wow, damn, a gold spoon, so jealous. Was his dad a pastor? What about his mom?”
“Probably does similar work. Ah, no! I heard Seon Eunhu’s parents have been living apart for quite a while. Apparently they’re in a super messy relationship right now.”
“Yeah? Hey, but how do you know someone else’s family business so well? No matter how much you like Seon Eunhu. You’re a pretty sneaky one.”
“Ah, whatever. Seon Eunhu’s church is so big and famous in our neighborhood that the rumors were rampant for a while. The two of them are divorcing, but they couldn’t reach an agreement so it even went to a lawsuit and-”
The classmate, who’d been whispering so the sound wouldn’t leak to other tables, only then noticed me and cut off the tail of her words. She did seem to know that what she was saying wasn’t the kind of thing to go blabbing to others.
Dismay flitted across the faces fixing on me. Even Kim Juhui, usually sharp and unbeatable in a verbal spar, shut her mouth and read my expression. What sort of worry they were harboring was plain to my eyes too.
But I wasn’t the type to advise them not to spread bad rumors, nor did I have the standing to. Is there anyone alive who’s never once talked behind someone’s back?
I’m not saying badmouthing others is a good thing, but they say sometimes you have to build this kind of common ground for a group to develop a sense of solidarity. In sociology too they actually teach that gossip has a positive function.
The experts say so, and I had no intention of piling my two cents on top. Rather than that, there was something else I wanted to ask.
“Do you guys like Seon Eunhu?”
I knew the classmates had an interest in Seon Eunhu, but I was curious whether it was sincere.
Was my question unexpected? They traded blank looks with one another.
“Is there anyone who doesn’t like Seon Eunhu? Seon Eunhu even likes girls who have boyfriends.”
“Right. That’s me.”
When one classmate sitting there shot her hand up and answered spiritedly, a wave of laughter poured out. I could feel students seated at other tables watching this way with interest.
A merry mood returned to the drinking table. Everyone seemed to feel relieved, thinking I was letting the earlier conversation slide. They gathered cups and poured liquor into each other’s empty glasses, and the instant the cups were full each tossed them back into their mouths.
“But why? Someone better-looking than you returns to our department, so you’re jealous? Going, ‘Last year was better-’?”
“As if.”
I retorted with a slight frown. Do they think I’m an idiot because I don’t talk much? I’m not a person who feels such a pathetic emotion over a mere outer shell decided at random when you’re born.
“Then what? If you say you like Seon Eunhu, will they set you up or something?”
I shook my head at Kim Juhui’s follow-up question. Then I served myself some jeon and stir-fried pork onto my plate.
“It’s not like that-”
Having nearly filled my stomach, I was planning to eat one last plate and then get up. So, not taking my eyes off the food, I grabbed a final piece of boiled pork.
“Listening to the conversation, it sounds like you like him, but you’re all gleefully talking about the sad family business of someone you supposedly like, so I got confused about whether you really do like him. That’s why I asked.”
Even without looking at my friends, I could imagine the sorts of expressions they were making, but it didn’t matter. The most important thing to me in this moment was gathering the food I’d served onto the edge of the plate so I could eat it in one bite.
“I’ve got to head to my part-time job now. I’ll get going. Finish up what you were talking about.”
Having succeeded at tossing all the food into my mouth at the end of my goodbye, I got up without a shred of regret. Whether my cheeks puffed out or not, I was simply satisfied with the fact that I’d eaten as much as the value I’d donated to the pig’s head.
“What are you thinking about, Taerim?”
As I lazily wiped down the coffee machine wherever my hand reached, the manager came over and asked.
I hadn’t particularly been thinking anything I could tell someone, so I slowly shook my head.
“I wasn’t thinking about much. Should I mop the floor now while the customers have thinned out?”
“No, no. I’m not trying to give you work, just want to chat while it’s slow. Taerim, you keep spacing out over every little thing since earlier. Is something the matter?”
“Me? Did I... Nothing’s wrong, though.”
“Like nothing’s wrong. Be honest. It’s because of that returning student you mentioned that time, isn’t it? You know, the senior you said was mean to you.”
I stared for a moment at the man asserting so confidently that it must be so.
Tall but slim of build, so that he looked frail, he had a sparkle in his eyes for the first time in a while. He seemed to be expecting I’d toss him some tidbit of interest, working in the cafe all day as he did.
Just once, I’d mentioned Seon Eunhu to the cafe manager. He’d been lamenting for days on end about how life doesn’t go the way you want, and since he wanted to hear my pitiful story too, I’d told it roughly. Confessing my unfortunate childhood would have made his eyes sparkle more, but I didn’t want to do that, and it happened to be the day Seon Eunhu warned me not to look at him, so I picked that story.
At that, the manager, going on about how could there be such an utter son of a bitch in the world, threw down all his work and clung on, getting angry on my behalf. Leading the mood with things like no wonder his steaming had been a mess today, or that the spark had gone out of his eyes, he seemed to want me to bring out more of the story, but I didn’t tell him even about Seon Eunhu’s pervert remark.
Anyway, the manager seemed to want me to still be struggling with that issue. So I just nodded for him. Honestly, rather than thinking about Seon Eunhu, I’d been recalling the family business of his I happened to overhear, but that was more or less the same thing.
As long as someone found enjoyment within a range that didn’t hurt me, I didn’t mind being misunderstood.
“Well... it’s not like there was nothing on my mind.”
“See? Right? Someone says they hate you, is that so easily forgotten? What was it again, he told you that you looked unlucky so don’t look at him? Sheesh. If he thinks you’re handsome he ought to just honestly say you’re handsome. The way I see it, that guy’s definitely some loser who got beaten up in the military and now torments his juniors for no reason. So don’t ever take what a bastard like that says to heart!”
“He didn’t say I looked unlucky, though...”
“You know why that bastard pulls that crap on you? It’s because you’re pretty-faced in a way that lands with the girls. Means he’s a lump of inferiority complex. Bet his own face looks like it’s been beaten to a pulp, no doubt. Anyway, if that bastard comes into our shop, quietly tip me off. I’ll chase him right out with a mop. Got it?”
“Yes.”
“Honestly, a kid this nice and hardworking, and that rotten-to-the-core bastard out there...”
At the profanity pouring out again, I gave an awkward smile and came out to the floor with a dishcloth. I’m grateful he gets angry on my behalf, but I didn’t want to burn up unexpected emotional energy right along with him.
I’d started the part-time job at the cafe last winter, when I moved into this building. The retail space on the first floor of the officetel happened to be hiring at the time, so I was quite lucky. The manager pried into my private life like that sometimes, but not to an uncomfortable degree, so I was having an unremarkable part-time work life.
As I tidied one more time a table I’d wiped and passed a moment ago, I ended up looking at the large glass window across the front. My reflection in the glass was clearer than the outside, where darkness had settled thick. The scene, as if I were trapped inside darkness, seemed to show me exactly as I was.
Even while living my college life so intensely, now and then I’d become aware of how pointless it all was. The more heart and effort I poured in, the harder it hit. Even the giant sun hanging in the sky vanishes once its lifespan runs out, so would achieving these trivial little goals change anything?
There’s no need to strain with all your might to carry on this life. If things go sour, you can just die and be reborn as another living creature. The me reflected in the glass seemed to remind me of it.
I know that any living creature can only fulfill life’s purpose by dying. Because it’s by dying and becoming nourishment that nature flourishes.
There are many reasons to die, but I was afraid of the brief pain I’d feel before dying. It’s pain that’ll vanish once I die anyway, and I’m the most pathetic person in the world for being scared of a little thing like that.
Scanning the floor to check if there was any part left untidied, I was on my way back to the pickup counter.
There was the sound of the shop door opening.
“Welcome-”
“Huh?”
“...”
I stopped mid-step, unable even to finish my greeting to the customer who’d appeared before my eyes. The man who’d leisurely shown up in the shop was Seon Eunhu, whom I’d seen at the department building mere hours ago.
“Go Taering? You work here?”
